I spent a few years working retail. And since ’tis the season to spend your weekends at the mall, it’s always nice to know that you’re in the same mall-hating boat as so many others.
Here are some things I’ve learned about all of the malls:
- The high end art store in the mall is actually a front for a drug business (see Nancy Botwin’s bakery). No one buys art at the mall – unless it’s sports memorabilia, some people actually buy that.
- You’re only allowed to shop at Bebe if you have a tramp stamp.
- On the other hand, you’re only allowed to shop at Ann Taylor if you do not have a tramp stamp. That’s what those sensors are detecting when you walk in.
- “Ugh, they just don’t make anything small enough for me here” says the girl in the fitting room next to you. Your hatred for her is completely justified.
- Proven Fact: It is not humanly possible to remember the name of the person who was helping you out today.
- Oh, you need something from Brookstone? No you don’t. No one does. Ever.
- No female knows if she should have her bra on or off for a bra fitting. “Would you like to be fitted today?” “NO!” The thought of taking off my bra when I’m not supposed to, or leaving it on when I should’ve taken it off causes enough anxiety to force me to wear bras that don’t fit for the rest of my days.
- “Do you need some help?” No, okay I’ll just stand here and watch you for 45 seconds before I ask again.
- “Do you need some help?” Too bad, I’m in the middle of this conversation with my BFF coworker about the lame text my boyfriend just sent me.
- Proven Fact: Humans walk 15 MPH faster past the lotion sample/hair straightener kiosk guy.
Happy holidays and enjoy the mall!