10 Unspoken Mall Laws


I spent a few years working retail. And since ’tis the season to spend your weekends at the mall, it’s always nice to know that you’re in the same mall-hating boat as so many others.

Here are some things I’ve learned about all of the malls:

  1. The high end art store in the mall is actually a front for a drug business (see Nancy Botwin’s bakery). No one buys art at the mall – unless it’s sports memorabilia, some people actually buy that.
  2. You’re only allowed to shop at Bebe if you have a tramp stamp.
  3. On the other hand, you’re only allowed to shop at Ann Taylor if you do not have a tramp stamp. That’s what those sensors are detecting when you walk in.
  4. “Ugh, they just don’t make anything small enough for me here” says the girl in the fitting room next to you. Your hatred for her is completely justified.
  5. Proven Fact: It is not humanly possible to remember the name of the person who was helping you out today.
  6. Oh, you need something from Brookstone? No you don’t. No one does. Ever.
  7. No female knows if she should have her bra on or off for a bra fitting. “Would you like to be fitted today?” “NO!” The thought of taking off my bra when I’m not supposed to, or leaving it on when I should’ve taken it off causes enough anxiety to force me to wear bras that don’t fit for the rest of my days.
  8. “Do you need some help?” No, okay I’ll just stand here and watch you for 45 seconds before I ask again. 
  9. “Do you need some help?” Too bad, I’m in the middle of this conversation with my BFF coworker about the lame text my boyfriend just sent me.
  10. Proven Fact: Humans walk 15 MPH faster past the lotion sample/hair straightener kiosk guy.

Happy holidays and enjoy the mall!


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