Fix It

This one’s been pretty popular over the past few months in the Pinterest world. Every time I see it I feel like I got punched in the stomach a little bit. In theory it’s great; just fix your shit married people! Fix it, don’t throw it away. How fucking fantastic would that be? So fantastic!

What’s it like though, to be in a marriage where only one of you is in love? Or when you think things are turning around only to find out that he’s having another affair? When you’ve been called a slut and been accused of having countless affairs when in reality you’re uncomfortable even making eye contact with a member of the opposite sex because you think so little of yourself? When she refuses to go to counseling because she knows she’ll get blamed for all of the problems? Or when he’d rather spend the night with a bottle of booze than you? Do you know what that’s like? Have you been there? Have you completely lost the understanding of who you are because you’ve spent so much time trying to make yourself right for someone else? You’ve laid in bed with your baby sleeping next to you, thinking about how the marriage that you’re in isn’t what you want for her, but realizing that you’re modeling that relationship to her, right? I’m sure you have been through all of that, and you fixed it all so now things are perfect and that’s why you are the expert on marriage.

I’ve never met a divorced person who attributed their divorce to “not feeling like it anymore” or “not wanting to try.” I’m sure those people are out there, but for the most part divorces are incredibly difficult emotionally, financially and mentally. You come out on the other end feeling defeated, lonely, hurt, basically like a big fucking mess. But there’s this hope that eventually you’ll feel like a whole person. At some point maybe you’ll meet another whole person and you’ll get a chance to have what you wanted out of the first one, or maybe that’s not what you want, either way you get to decide. You get to focus the fixing on you and not on someone or something else that is beyond repair.

In an ideal world no one would have to fix it. You’d pick your person and be happy forever, but that’s not how it works. Some of the marriages aren’t fixable – and they weren’t fixable 65 years ago either. They were broken. Those lonely, broken, defeated, hurt people stayed in their lonely, broken, defeated, hurt marriages. They didn’t come out on the other end because divorce was an abomination. I didn’t want to be a lonely, broken, defeated, hurt person anymore and I didn’t want my child to be that either. I didn’t throw anything away. I fixed myself.

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15 thoughts on “Fix It

  1. Hear, hear! Who really wants to get divorced? People who say that everyone has the ability to fix it have never grown apart, or gotten disconnected, or have they gotten together with someone who changed or have they changed themselves. Great post.

  2. This made me sad, but then inspired. Only wish more women could find their strength the way you did, and still are. And good for you for setting Pinterest straight! Maybe they should stick to recipes and nail art.

  3. Robyn Johnson says:

    Hey girl! Love reading your blogs, you are brutally honest and that is so refreshing. I think you are so strong for doing what you have done!! Not everything can be fixed or should be fixed. You are amazing, keep being you! Hugs from an old school friend 😉

  4. Excellent article, Talia.

    I know that my first marriage was destructive towards my sense of self to the point that I completely changed as a person without even realizing it. There were other issues at play as well, but that one affected me the most. It took away me.

    We tried to fix it. We tried counseling. We talked about it but the destruction was continuous and unchanging. I didn’t have the confidence to actually admit it to anyone then because that confidence had been sucked out of me by the few years of constant demotion and I truly believed it was all my fault I was feeling that way to begin with.

    It took my 5 years to get back to the point of being confident in myself again after the divorce was finalized. I can now look back with horror on what I dealt with and knowing that the only fault of mine was allowing it to start in the first place.

    Sometimes there is no fixing it. And not everything in that time period was hunky dory anyways… Men walked away without care from families just the same as women walked away from families. There were also too many people that stayed together then because “What would people say” or because they’d be stricken from their church (read community) if they split.

    Thanks for writing this. I’ve come further along in healing than I thought I had.

  5. Exactly. “Stay together at all costs” is just a way for two people to have miserable lives. There is a balance though. Sure, I put work into my relationships and try my hardest to make them work but there definitely comes a point when you have to accept that sometimes, that’s just not possible.

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